I am free. And scared. And wishing that I wasn’t so much the second one. I’m not that scared, though. Not as much as I thought I would be. I shouldn’t expect too much of myself, either. I fixated on someone for half a year. They were always going to change. I was, too, but I was also trapped by the possibility of them coming back to me – or me to them, more specifically. I wouldn’t even call it hope. There was a little hope, there always is in these situations, but that wasn’t what trapped me. It was not knowing if I’d made myself clear. And worrying what would happen once I did that.
Last night, I made myself clear. Technically, it was this morning. I sent the message a little after 1:00 AM. The reply came today. A little before 12:00 PM. The answer was no. They said no. Definitively so. I made myself clear about what I wanted. And they calmly said no. A mirror descended in that moment. Or maybe I went looking for one. Or maybe there wasn’t a mirror at all. All that matters is that I saw myself again. No one
else. Just me. I’m very sad right now. Of course I am. My heart aches and it aches for good reason. Shame, loneliness, guilt, frustration, disappointment… it all swirls into a dull, pulsing ache that makes my body feel disgusting just for being.
Being. I thought about adding “alive” after it in that sentence just now. Or “here.” I didn’t, though. Being. It says enough on its own I think. It brings my spiral to a halt, too. Being. Usually there’s a word after it. Just like there is with “be.” Be what? Be who? I think now I finally see. There’s no question word required. Nor any word at all. Be. I just have to.